Dating does not equal relationship
From the time I was 20 years-old to 40 years-old, I seemed to have gone from the bedroom to the altar before I realized what had happened. As I think about my core values now, honesty emerges as number one. How would I remain in my newfound integrity, be honest, and talk about my dodgy past to a decent man without sending him running screaming into the night?
Surely, my past would be a giant red flag to a decent man? Therefore, am I doomed? They take things as they see them. For some reason I feel that talking about what ended past relationships is an opportune time to disclose my boundaries in a way that gets the message across! You may not have known at the time that it ended because of a crossed boundary but in retrospect you can now see it very clearly. I plan to bring the full force of what happened to end past relationships to light as a beacon to any prospective companions!
Of course the minute sordid details would not be disclosed as its not something I choose to talk about with him or anybody else. Thank you for your responses. Of course, the 3 prior marriages are a matter of public record and not something I regret. I learned a ton from each marriage and my past is a part of my present which is very different.
I do not resent or regret the three past marriages. You are right Getbusyliving, in hindsight, ex MM 2 finally crossed my boundaries and I finally opted out, admitttedly my boundaries were barely there. After all, among other things, I like to spend time fixing my hair and make-up and trying on different outfits and accessories. In fact that would put me off. Maybe he likes horse riding, weight lifting, hunting, or racing race cars or hot-rodding around on a motorcycle. A lot of them though do seem to want to find a girl who participates avidly in all the same activities that they do.
It seems like these men are only looking for a male buddy, who happens to have breasts and a vagina. Oh Melanie, I literally laughed out loud when I read that! It was always about him, in every word he said and action he did. You are so very right, I had got them all mixed up!
I guess this goes to show my lack of relationship experience. I will definitely read up on your posts related to this topic and make sure I drill this difference into my head. Values are about what you need in order to live your life happily and authentically. They might even fake them to some extend.
Or they might deliberately pick women who seem to be similar to them in that regard. Wow, how bad is that? He could just go buy his own box of ice cream bars. How old is this guy? However, he had very precise ideas about how I was supposed to change my looks for him: Lose 30 pounds, dye my hair, wear only high heels he said I was too short , get tatoos and pircings.
I hated my body and looks after that and went on a desperate diet.
Equality in Relationships
A little bit of this embarrasing feeling is still there, even now. I did go slowly letting him into my life, and kept my self-respect in many ways that I am so glad I did. I will go even slower next time. What I discovered was not so much about him, it was about my own judgment and my own motivations. I also discovered the eventual compounded pain of rationalizing away the initial pain of that early discovery and disappointment.
From now on I look forward to discovering all the ways I say yes to the solid, no to the dodgy, and to discovering the million ways to love myself that I never knew existed. By the way, in response to some of the posts on this thread about getting involved too quickly, NML reminds us often to love ourselves: I feel that way about my best friends and hope they feel that way about me: I need a complete overhaul in my thinking. Thank you for the food for thought. I hope you reclaimed all of NYC for you.
Your comments are so thought provoking and inspirational like so many others. I thought I had an awesome life but I ditched it in order to be an option in his life. I have been on a couple of dates with a guy we have been chatting before hand for a couple of months so got to know him abit had some really deep chats he has good values repects women and is always there for his family and friends! I keep thinking if it will come in time as I know he is a nice guy and wouldnt muck me around! The heavens are not about to open, harps playing, angels a singing.
Who cares if he opens doors? Are we at an all time low as women where we applaud some basic manners. Either give it a few dates and see how it goes or opt out.
10 Signs You’re In A Truly Equal Relationship
Take it from one who knows — been there … Misery all round. Thanks Natalie, but I thought that was what I was saying…if you check my post to Teatime again? I was totally and foolishly blown away by the interest hook and have realised over last few days that we were practically in different relationships in tems of where it was all heading,his level of investment in me,our ability to communicate with anything like honesty…?
I think you wrote for me as well,with all my latest goings on. I discovered today that the guy I was interested in and had two dates with, is an EUM with a lot of issues and baggage. A nice guy,not an AC [for once] but wow,the lure of the familiar! The turbulent seesawing of emotions,the desire to fix,heal,help,the sensation of fast forwarding into familiar relationship insanity. I experienced it all. But instead of rushing in there,I held my nerve and bowed out. So,though I feel sad,I feel ok. I feel a huge pull of gravity towards it,gotta keep pulling away.
So dating,not only is discovery,but valuable practice in sticking to boundaries. Especially,when still a novice at dating with boundaries.
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There has to be attraction. Not too much time should elapse between dates. You need to keep seeing the person in the flesh to continue your discovery. If weeks go by between dates,you build the whole thing up in your head and the fantasy relationship takes off. The more you see,the more you know. But the other extreme must be avoided too. Striking a balance is crucial. My first red flag with one guy was he did not like talking on the phone. He relied on oodles of emails and text messages. So, it quickly became about what HE wanted.
When we did talk on the phone it was usually by my requesting it. I just handed myself over to him! My next and what should have been my final red flag was when I walked into his home. I have books and papers here and shoes strewn there. Crap on top of crap. He had just enough room to move around the couch and desk area. Luckily his bathroom was clean. I just wished I would have listened to my insides when it told me by the way I felt: Instead, I went along doing things his way until he booted me out. Yes he let me into his life, but I made sure I was the perfect houseguest.
Or anyone really I guess. I was afraid to say no. So I let my boundaries get stepped all over and become a doormat. Why would i want anyone that only wants to be around if they can get what they want and hit the road? If a friend was being treated like that, I would be indignant. I doubt myself, I look for clarification elsewhere. Wow, a most insightful article, thank you!
Whilst the initial red flags are there early on, we all have some baggage that we carry, so reacting to the first one or two red flags as a knee-jerk reaction would be almost bordering on relationship paranoia. We have to give it some amount of time, unfortunately, and some investment emotionally and with the heart, in so giving, one can then experience.
Over time and with experience, we then have enough information in order to be able to make a choice: I would far rather be single and appreciate myself for who I am than be with someone for the wrong reasons and be treated in a less than acceptable way that is not congruent with my own values. You see, any guy can talk the talk but can he walk the walk? For me, this is the biggest thing I have learned.
Dedicated to your stories and ideas.
I personally believe that most ACs are narcissistic in some ways, and malignant narcissists basically spend all their lives manipulating others. Tell me about it. I should know better, but I seem to experiene this over and over again anyway. Plus, normal people are too decent to imagine all the bad things a narc is willing to do. I think you — and we all — should look for the values represented by their behavior towards us, and not the ones they put in words or they apparently show towards others.
I think Natalie has mentioned that frequently. Absolutely, i was lacking experience so so true! The way the assclown treated me was beyond my comprehension. Nat made a connection between narcissists and assclowns and says that assclowns have narcissistic tendancies.
I was quite shocked by the discovery — Ilooked like i had seen a ghost!! LOL… but it was good to finally be able to understand why he acted the way he did. Yes, I know what that is like, assuming things about them because they are a Christian. My ex-husband and I were very involved in our church. I found out early in our marriage that he had extracurricular, extramarital activities he enjoyed on the side. I actually believed he was honest and upstanding, and he was always respectful of going too far physically before we were married.
It was quite an act he had going. As far as I could tell, even now, years later, his actions did match his words while we were dating. ICanDoBetter- It makes him the farthest thing from a christian you could get… I know, how can these guys go to church, say their christian and be so duplicitous — lying cheating and faking who they are?
Actually him saying he was christian was one of the things that made me give him a chance in the first place. Nat — I have another question for you and this might be the subject for a future post. It feels as though you have to A. It has been my observation that more often than not, the men who do this, turn out to have hidden something themselves, and so I suspect are deflecting attention away from them.
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The best defense is a good offense strategy. What are your thoughts on it? I think they hate knowing about past blokes -although they always ask! ALSO when they ask, Why did that relationship end, or that one end? No relationship is going to en for a good reason and I hate going into detail on this. Yet they may often ask this question…. Yes I guess we have met different types of questions on dates. We only worry about telling people things that we fear being judged about because you would judge someone else for the same thing.
How you choose to handle telling partners about your past will be governed largely by how healthily engaged and honest you are — I write about my past and the boyf is well aware of it. You need to handle your beliefs in this area — if you believe you will be judged, trust me when I say that no matter what they say or do, you will feel judged.
Every ex was emotionally unavailable, some were assclowns. There were some nice guys I dated briefly. I also got the sense that you all seem to think you need to give a blow by blow account of your relationships and why they ended — why the hell do you need to get into the nitty gritties? The desire to explain comes from the desire to justify — do you expect partners to explain and justify previous actions to you? Be very careful of verbal diarrhea. We broke up because we realised we both wanted different things. We broke up because things fizzled out. We broke up because long distance was hard going and neither of us were going to move.
Once upon a time, I was foolish enough to get involved with a married guy. Why did it happen? It was a total departure from the norm. Anyway, enough about that — why did you break up with your ex? The short explanation is where to start.
Hence if you grill about the past, expect a grilling back. If they ask deep questions, expect them to be receptive to answering the same.
10 Signs You’re In A Truly Equal Relationship | Thought Catalog
You are so right about painting myself into a corner for fear of being judged and I do have some work to do coming to grips with my past. Just reading your response has helped tremendously. I read the three articles you linked and they are great. I loved your responses. Oddly, it was ex MM that made me jittery. But as you say too much probing early on could be a red flag.
For some reason I quite often get asked: I received text last night from him asking me were he stands with me do I see him as a boyfriend or friends? I am thinking this is a greenflag to ask this question after just 2 dates! All relationship defining should be done in person. At the very least, in a phone conversation. Is he trying to Fast Forward you? If you are still interested in continuing the discovery phase of dating with him, tell him not by text! Then wait for him to arrange one. With an activity, like dinner. See how it goes. If you are not interested, then politely decline his offer to meet again.
Your post is a good reminder for me Sarah about the inadequacy of texting. Last week, in seems was the dying throes of our relationship, my EUM sent me various ambiguous texts concerning the nature of our relationship. He has done this before despite me highlighting I have a landline phone!
I actually loved to hear his voice…. Fufilled his needs… Finally,I told him that I would not respond anymore to texts that were ambiguous, flip flapping gems. He said I was Bonkers! When we had opportunity to discuss our relationship fully we ended up in a supermarket cafe, surrounded by others. I think he was telling me something…. I agree with you that all relationship defining should be done in person and….
There is simply not enough time in the world. If he is asking you to be his grilfriend after two dates, I would run.
Hi Posh [love the name,sounds classy! Needless to say things subsequently went pear shaped and I realised that my initial suspicions that he was an EUM were correct. It is incredible how EUMs relate better to words on a screen than to a real person. Loads of them blow very hot through text and email but are often considerably cooler face to face. So I agree with the other people. Texts are just for jokes,a quick hello or practical stuff.
Anything delicate must be done by phone or face to face. I love this post but I wonder, when does dating as a discovery phase end and turn into a relationship? Oh Natalie … as usual, perfect timing! You know my story and the AC and I are done. So what is wrong with me? I recently put myself on a dating site — yes, I waited a while before I did it.
I even said that I was looking for a friend right now … So why am I so terrified?! I almost had a panic attack once I finally put my money down on a membership. Equality can mean different things to different partners. What matters is how you and your partner define it for your relationship. Why does equality even matter, you might ask? This type of relationship is extremely unbalanced and unequal.
By learning more about how to create equality in a relationship, we can end abuse and build healthier relationships. Are you able to express your feelings and opinions to your partner, and vice versa? In a relationship, usually both partners share some common interests and are able to enjoy activities together. This includes hobbies, hanging out with friends — whatever makes you happy! This might take a day or two, but you get there. The main point is that you share the same goal: You each understand and appreciate the value of routine, tiny gestures, like writing a note on the bathroom mirror for your partner to discover, surprising them with their favorite takeout dinner, or offering to run an annoying errand on their behalf.
As long as you each remain aware of the personality differences in play and make a conscious effort to accommodate each other, things can work out beautifully. For instance, if one of you is an extrovert prone to FOMO while the other is an introvert with a tendency towards JOMO, there should be an equal number of evenings devoted to activities favored by each type concerts and parties for the former, and cozy at-home dinners for the latter, maybe.
You fully embrace them. Some of us prefer an exotic beach getaway while others want nothing more than to spend a weekend at a bed and breakfast in upstate New York and still others are only ever interested in culture heavy excursions to Europe or Asia. When two people are committed to becoming better people through knowing and loving each other, they absorb the best of each other. It goes without saying that chores should be allotted according to what an individual is best at or least annoyed by , and not according to traditional gender specific roles.