Dating a guy but dont want a relationship
Even the ones who are unhappily married one, for example, lives with an abusive alcoholic have this mindset. I have heard this type of pseudo-sympathy projection too, but we have to ask ourselves: The answer is simple: Obviously they are unfulfilled, and the only way they can feel better about their situation is to feel sorry for someone whom they perceive is worse off than they are. Because, well, all that self-reflection and inner work is too damn scary for them.
So they try like hell to distract themselves. Thank God not all married people are like this. Well,we have been friends ever since. We go out occasionally, we have had a weekend away which he paid for, he phones me regularly in fact he treats my very well. In fact,for someone who says he is not interested, he shows a lot of interest.
If I met someone like him who wanted a committed relationship I would be interested. He was patient and a great friend to me and I changed my mind. It sounds to me like that might be happening with this guy but only you can assess that. There are lots of relationships that start off as friends first and succeed.
I really enjoy his company, we have a great laugh. The conversation about not wanting a relationship was a year ago. Are they too set in their ways? A have seen many instances where confirmed bachelors met someone who touched their heart and went on to be in successful relationships once they met the right woman. When I met my man all I knew was he made me smile, the friendship flowed without drama, and there were zero games.
Totally refreshing after me experience with the Narc. I was so programmed for drama it felt strange but I deprogrammed fast. I do agree with some of the posters though that it may be time to have the define the relationship talk if your feelings are intensifying or he is preventing you from exploring other options. I asked out my boyfriend because it occurred to me that I would be pissed if, after months of friendship, he met someone else.
Sometimes you have to take the risk and be prepared to act on what you find out. If he says he has changed his mind and would like a relationship I would have to think about it. That vital bit of information he gave me at the beginning was enough for me not to get too attached. I have considered saying this-I really enjoy being with you but if someone came into my life just like you wanting to be in a committed relationship I would give it a go. Would you be ok with that? I also really enjoy his company we have a great time together and I might not meet anyone so why say anything?
It sounds like a long time, but I was only making a real effort for less than a year. Maybe I had to feel the need before I could get motivated. Maybe I need to feel the need too before I can get motivated. At the moment my only wish is to remain in good health so I can work and look after myself. Tanzanite I think he is pursuing you hoping one day you will give in and have sex with him.
Most guys fancy and want to sleep with their female friends. Trust me, I know. Would you let one of your GFs pay for a weekend away? If I was going to give in I would have done it by now. We shared all other costs as usual. I would do the same for him if I came into money. I was trying to make the point he was kind a generous. Usually we share all costs. If I had more disposable income than usual and a gf was skint I would pay for her without question. I would also do the same for him.
We just have a laugh. I have a GF who allows a male friend — who likes her — pay her way. Yes, it definitely seems like you are due to have a talk with this friend. Do you know what you want from him? Make sure you are clear on this first. Do you have a good rapport with this guy? Can you talk about your feelings with him? Can you make it clear when you talk to him that if he tells you he wants a relationships, gets you to sleep with him, then loses interest, that you will be devastated?
Yes, by all means, talk to him! Take yourself out of your comfort zone in what you risk telling him about your feelings and your investment. I think casual dating is a complete waste of time for anyone. Thing is, a casual relationship is effectively one without care, respect or honesty. As soon as I smell ambivalence in someone, I am losing interest. I want a committed relationship and say so. I admit I might behave contradictory to what I say. My fear has me hang back a bit to see how they unfold which is then seen as ME being ambivalent.
I told him upfront that I wanted to take things very slow because I normally did not go for men who were more than a few years older this guy is more than 10 years older. There was no sex involved. I was also upfront with this guy that I would still socialize with, and potentially date other men but that I did not intend on being sexually involved with anyone until I got to know them. However, I knew that I had to change my behavior or I would just keep repeating the same old patterns. I know that I am capable of being emotionally available. It just really feels like learning a new sense of balance.
I think this weekend was a turning point. I keep going back to check my own behavior. Have I been honest? Have I been sending mixed messages? It really is like learning balance, knowing my own limits. I want the option to date, but not sleep with, a few men before I make a decision on who is relationship material and who is not. The men I date might decide that I am not the right person for them. Every day a new lesson. He may very well be posessive and fussy, but equally he may be fussy about not seeing people who double date and it may be taken as posessiveness. If he is older than you he may have a different view on multidating to you.
If he is secure in the knowledge that you are not a player and still is jealous then best run like a wind. Maybe you should focus on that — what do YOU feel about him. I am not dating anyone else right now, just this one fellow. I do think that no matter what, we will be able to discuss our feelings as we go along and if I still find myself uncomfortable about the difference in age after a little more time, I will break things off with him.
Who knows, he could turn out to be great and all my worries about the age difference wont matter. Amy, it sounds like you need time without pressure from him or even yourself to make THE decision.
After all, at this stage the only thing you need to decide is if you want to meet him next time. Until and if you decide to sleep with him that is. If he knows already that you are not dating anyone else sorry, misunderstood that bit and gets jealous of you talking to other men, given the info from the other women, that would be the thing to watch closely for me. Good luck, and relax. He is not the last man on earth. As long as it takes. I was not sure if I was ready to date or not, and a series of one off test dates indicates that I am not.
No one, even the pretty ones that I clicked with conversationally in my recent dates, really hold my interest, so I guess I will hibernate for another 6 months or so. What drove me to even try is I have this need to hold someone and be held back, and have some physical touch in my life not necessarily sex. I may be dead before I am ready! Had one breakup that was hard on me in , but I have never been like this for this long.
I am so detached, it is like I have no personal investment in outcomes. I wonder if that is the problem, but I am at a loss how to change it. Be at peace with where you are now and wait and be open for the change to come when it comes. That is how you will become more ready instead of trying to re-inflate a hurt ego. I miss my ex holding me more than anything. Just lying next to someone is what seems to be the thing I miss.
It is so difficult to be at peace with a constant dread for the future, knowing that I can get him back the second I want because he wants me too. And that the longer I wait to go back to him, the higher the chance of me losing out on love. What I really want right now is the closeness of a male friend. Folks who do not want to commit often pick others who do, who are not players, because even though THEY want to keep their options open, they do not want the other person to do likewise. I gave the benfit of the doubt to an on line guy I liked but was not particularly attracted to and he followed the exact pattern that Nat describes.
Stated he wanted a committed relationship, then said he will never marry again, then recanted that when I told him we want different things, wanted to settle in my area but spends his time flitting around miles away while his house sits mostly vacant, eventually,it became clear that what he was in search of was a way station of sorts with benefits between flitting about. Felt mighty good to flush that one though in a way it was sad because he may have made a good friend. I do not understand this wishy washiness about what a person really wants.
There are lots of folks out there that are committment phobes, playas etc. For cripes sakes, why cant they seek out one another?! I suppose it is because they are trying for quality folks while not wanting to do the work to deserve them. Then I want to cuddle for a few minutes before I go home to my vibrator. A half-assed dating scenario. And if the batteries ever run down around 11 at night, you can always reach for your phone and start sexting him — tell him you need him right now for sexy fun, so he has to come over right away, and hurry. Mmm, yeah, bring batteries baby.
I would feel exploitive and vulnerable. I thought I could be up for a fun fling. That was before I started reading BR. So I guess that says it all. Actions need to match intent. If your actions do not match your intent with another person — i. This is what I was blabbing about in my comment above.
I meet people at social events meetups and get to know them in real life first. Going out on a date or two does not equal a relationship, that sex is guaranteed, or that the 2 people are compatible. There are different ways to get know someone, and dating does not have to be one of them, if you are only looking for friends. There are plenty of different types of social events and activities to meet people in person that align with your interests.
Group activities are particularly good. But getting to know someone one-to-one in a format similar to a date is getting into ambiguous territory and can give people the wrong ideas. Flirting should be a no-go if you want to keep things platonic. Personally, I think coffee and chatting is at best a lame date. That might be a good rule of thumb: If so, perhaps it need not be considered a date at all?
Most of us our kidding ourselves if we think we want casual. I have been in several of these interactions where the intent is clearly stated of men not wanting a relationship but wanting all of the fringe benefits of one. It will makes you feel unwanted and partly confused. However my new thing is, if I am confused then its not going anywhere because men make it crystal clear when they are interested and they do want you or a relationship with you. This is a very valuable lesson to learn.
We miss close friendships and easy companionship so much sometimes and would be much stronger, happier people if these were in our lives at close reach. This is though how I allowed myself to put up with a terrible assclown of a friend for far too long. It is amazing to read all of these comments. We had met online two years ago. He was the first person who spoke to me on a dating website. He pursued me and sent me emails everyday then texts then phone calls.
He sent his picture. I fell for him very hard, embarrassing in your forties. His ex wife and children live abroad, he stays there every holiday and one weekend a month. Still married to all intents and purposes except physically sexually. I felt like I was having an affair with a mm even though I believed they were no longer together.
It is just his perfect excuse. I know I made mistakes, I was suspicious, I did things I would never conceive of having done before. I was his favorite fallback girl, wonderfully receptive and frightened of rocking the boat for fear of his passive aggressive cold spells. There were always texts from other women, questionable sexual fantasies played out, mostly text interactions…even our fights.
He was so plausible to me, although my family and friends saw through him as a sad, controlling, weak person. I am in nc now for three weeks. It is hard… I dream about him still. I miss him which I am angry at myself for feeling. I read BR everyday. I read your stories and they keep me strong. Each day is a step in the right direction. I almost lost my family and friends. Hold out for a good guy, a guy who misses you not your vagina. A guy who needs to know who you are before needing to know what your body responds to. I also think they are like the conmen who believe that if someone is stupid enough to be conned that they deserve it.
That said if this has affected you to the extreme where you are now habitually emotionally unavailable be clear about being casual with someone. I know that I do want a full relationship with someone now. At the moment a man I have know for over a year and I are taking it day by day. He and I have the same values, wants and needs. You have only been NC from this guy for three weeks, and have already started up with someone else?
You are clearly not over your ex, and seem to be using the new guy as a crutch to move forward- Not fair. It sounds like you completely lost yourself in this guy. Have you considered being alone for a long period to understand what brought you to this place. It sounds like you are afraid to be alone and using someone else as a buffer.
Please take your focus off of men, and direct towards yourself and family. Maybe this is more of a truth for me than I thought it was. When I first became single, it was about getting over my ex and finding someone else to date. Then I found this blog and the more time I spent working on myself, the more my issues unfolded and I realised that I needed to spend longer on my own. Something amazing happened and I started to enjoy my own company again.
Time has brought humility and I know that while my ex hurt me, I also hurt him in a very big way and that was due to the fact that I dated him without really being sure that we were right for each other, and without having dealt with being alone or even realising what I wanted out of life because I was chasing a feeling.
Maybe this is progress? I go onto it for a few weeks pretty excited and then I get bored very quickly and disappear for months at a time. Lucy, I think you are not ready for dating and maybe you do need more time to fully recover? I am in the same situation, I told myself no more dating at least for six months…Do you go any other places where you can meet like-minded people?
Certainly if I have this level of trepidation then there is some work still to do. I want to do the work but having been single for 1. When I first became single, I had a lot to deal with in my life. I was confronted with unresolved feelings from a previous abusive relationship. Then I had to resolve my own conscience because of the terrible and self-destructive act of cheating on my last boyfriend. But then I was passive and acted out rather than confronting it. I still want to go on a few dates, not for the ego boost, but because they are useful feedback.
I am lonely sometimes. Perhaps I should work on this? This is me down to the letter Z!!! My situation was when he was availble and ready I was so scared to accept a relationship because he had left for a mth while after I told him I was pregnant. He said he had changed, I told him I was skeptical about his so called change and in time if stuff looked different I would except. His proposition was that he mingles and only sleeps with his Baby Mom and if he paid my rent like most of his friends do could he move in and we be a couple.
Is this the same as not being up front and me being an unavailble person too? I enjoy BR and especially this post. The last EUM I dated only advised me after I invested emotions, money, and resources that he wanted a long term relationship but not with me. Then I met, by chance, another woman who dated the same guy before me who was given the same reasoning after the same period of time.
So my warning is be careful to those casual daters who disguise themselves as Emotionally Available, Seeking Long-term. Turns out people lie to get what they want sarcasm. Nola, I get it! With my friends I might see them here and there, call on occasion, text only if we are in the midst of making some kind of specific plan, email a joke or two here and there.
Then you meet a guy in my case mostly online because there are NO men in my town, or so it seems. They throw themselves at you. Tracy even when you meet them in person they can act like that. I had a guy ask me out on 5 dates, come pick me up, pay for the check then when I turned around and offered to reciprocate by making him dinner, he freaked out and said he was just being friends with me.
Well I had never heard this before, so I stopped communicating with him, I wish I could say it ended there. After a week of no communication, he calls and says he was scared and really did want to date me. So I think ok and then date him for 2 months he was a total azzclown, I broke it off telling him to never contact me again at which point he stalks me for almost a year. For you it had only been a couple of dates and a dinner invite…did he think you were going to propose to him over dinner?
I swear, every time I hear a guy say women are drama queens I want to tell them to look in the mirror and see who the real drama queen is. Tracy that is exactly what I thought, it was just a few dates and dinner.
When The Guy Who ‘Doesn’t Want A Relationship’ Starts Dating Someone Else | Thought Catalog
Little did he know, I love to cook and have had many men over for a meal. It was more about me wanting to show off my cooking skills than trying to pin him into a relationship, what an azzhole. You got that right…drama kings. You get to be single for the rest of your life, drama king.
Oh no, save me save me from it, it might GET me! I see nothing courageous or worthy about messing people about because you essentially consider yourself too precious and special to take the sort of emotional risks that most other people manage to take every day of the week. I do see something of the entitled and immature young teenager in it, however. Personally, I think that men are capable of doing better than that.
As are women, ofcourse ofcourse. Lucy, it sounds like fear is stopping you from going for it again. That is understandable given your past relationship. I think it why we are all on here. I felt the same, dating again was a nightmare. I thought new guy was a bit boring, I kept looking for faults and I realized that I was comparing him to my ex all the time but I recognized that by doing that he had no chance because I was comparing him to a fantasy man not a real one.
I stopped that, he stopped being nervous around me and as we relaxed I started to fall for him.
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It is nice, it is real. He has met my children, he is interested in a future and I am letting him in. My advice is try again. Be lighthearted but conscious x. I just find online dating so much of an effort. Your advice is really helpful. I think maybe being online is highlighting the lessons from here in a really big way, especially related to having boundaries.
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I need to give this a lot more thought. I would like someone to be attentive and give me ego strokes affection, company and sex. I want a monogamous relationship where we go on dates and holidays. Where we talk regularly and openly and are supportive and caring about each other. Why does it always have to progress to this other level? You may want someone who is willing to halt commitment at just the same stage as you are but, for me, I could not find that spot even for myself so I put myself into my relationship per cent.
Of course I can change my mind. We need to lose the notion that we can have a loving relationship with no risk, sacrifice, change, or compromise. If it was possible, us lot, of all people would have achieved it. I understand Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have this type of arrangement, that they are married living in separate but joined houses.
I know lots of couples who have experimented along those lines, one friend and her partner have separate flats in the same building, so they maintain a certain private space while at the same time sharing their lives. Bigger than that though, is a very strong instinct in me to self-isolate. That has been the one obstacle to me in forming relationships, more so than all the assclownery and abuse put together.
I think every human being struggles with independence v coupledom. They already had a hard time adjusting when their father left us, so I want to keep things as peaceful as possible for them and me. I know a woman with three kids by three different men who got married so it can happen. I was a lot younger when I knew her and figured she should just give up. Kelly — I think it all depends on age and where you are in your life. A woman who lives down the block from me is in her 50s and has been dating a fella a few years older for quite a few years. He owns a house, she owns a condo. I know a few couples who have been together a decade or longer without an official marriage.
I posted as Kelly but then realised there was already a Kelly. Have had to change handles a few times. Anyway, I have had more time to think about it and it is exactly what Amy says. I am in mid forties, have 2 kids at home who will be around for another 5 or 6 years. I want the peripheral benefits of a relationship for myself without it impacting upon my family life. I am going on holiday alone later this year and am really looking forward to it. I do prefer the idea of being with someone at that stage of my life though.
I still felt awful. The EUM felt safe because I kind of knew it would never go anywhere, but for the moment I wanted to enjoy his company—as my boyfriend. The majority of our arguments would stem from our relationship status. I refused his friendship card. I never caught him on anything. He reached out to call you a bitch that he misses? That is hot and cold all in one text. He came over and built a gazebo in my backyard as a surprise for me.
He used one of his harem to help him do it. But he would insist that we were just dating casually for 18 mths.
When The Guy Who ‘Doesn’t Want A Relationship’ Starts Dating Someone Else
I could have written much of what you wrote. Two and a half years of no sex, no touching, no chatting …. I feel very lost and out of control about this. Though quite lonely for all that. Take care of yourself.
BR is my sole escape these days, too. Somehow I found the strength, and somehow I found someone new. And he was great! We started dating and I was just in awe of the ease it all. But then Eric came back. He called me one night, begging to see me. So he came over, I told him I was seeing someone else, and he totally lost it and he needed me back. After a few weeks of deliberating, I made my fateful choice. And he finally gave me the love and commitment I had desperately been seeking! There was better at my fingertips and I let him go!
The way he fought to get me back meant something to me. Then summer came and I went home for a summer internship before starting my senior year of college. And then he cheated on me you can read about it here. But it sure felt like it. Two weeks later, she was his official girlfriend! Not just official, also Facebook official.
I felt like I had been sucker punched. This makes no sense. I called him immediately to make some sense out of it and it was like talking to a cold distant stranger. What can I say? In my mind, this meant one thing: Was it just a lie? I hear it from my reader all the time!
And here is the truth of the matter…. Years after our tumultuous relationship, Eric and I became business partners and we currently run A New Mode together. With time and perspective, it was so clear to me what an awful match we truly were. Our relationship was never good. We were two broken people trying to hide from our broken-ness by spending every waking second together. That does not a healthy relationship make. What we humans are in search of is deep and meaningful connections, but we fear loss of freedom. That is the real issue.
A change in perspective , a shift in our way of looking at loving someone to be the ultimate freedom, one that has no chains or boxes. A love for that person to become their best selves. Real love for people comes from a place of ultimate freedom. It cannot be quantified with a ring, a label, promises and codependencies. That person can be in your life for a week a year or forever. When someone says they do not want a relationship they have real issues.
Your advice should address that right there. Do they feel unworthy of love and connection. Are they ashamed, feel broken, why? Teach people to love without attachment please. I might also add that when some of these great guys moved on and got in a serious relationship…I was mortified. In the past, I have been distracted and gotten sidetracked by trying to make time for those I was dating when I could. This detracted me and put me behind while trying to meet their needs. Overall it just became an added stress.