Boundaries in dating table of contents
However, I disagree with him strongly in one point and I feel that he skirted one important issue. Near the end of the book he gives an example where a child refuses to go to school and the mother realizes she "can't make the child go to school" but sets the boundary that the child will have to stay in his room if he doesn't go to school. The problem with that logic is, if you can't "make a child go to school" how can you "make a child stay in his room"? We can't make a child enjoy school or even pay attention to the teachers, these things take incentives and consequences, but parents do still need to hold onto the reigns on certain issues.
It is a delicate line, but I can and do "make" my children go to school. The other issue is one of an abusive marriage. He talks about putting up boundaries and leaving for the night if these boundaries are violated. This is always done for a short period of time and then the abused spouse returns home. There are situations where this is effective.
But in a true abusive situation physical or mental it is playing with fire to leave and return over and over. The physical abuser can be deadly. A mental abuser will learn how to better manipulate her victim without his realizing that his boundaries have been violated and thereby twisting reality even further. Any abusive person is not to be trifled with, and without genuine repentance and clear signs of change one is foolish to continue to expose themselves to that risk regardless of history, children, or feelings.
For all of his insight, I am shocked that this is not made more clear. For example, you probably know someone who has a money problem. He spends recklessly and doesn't really think about the consequences of his actions. This can be traced back to his parents never establishing their own boundaries. They would always bail the son out whenever he ran out of money and tell him to be better next time. They never let him "feel" the consequences. And so he never learned. There's so many other brilliant examples of the importance of boundaries and how they affect the people around us.
I learned a lot about myself through the sections that detail boundaries with friends, family, and work. The one that impacted me the most was the section on Boundaries with Myself. I grew up with parents who while loving, also created situations for me where I was not able to feel the consequences, and so I behave in certain ways that I'm trying to fix. When I was first referred to this book, I wasn't told this book had a heavy religious undertone the conflict of setting boundaries and being a good person in the eye of God.
I'm not religious, so the biblical references didn't really matter to me much, but that doesn't mean I can't learn from them. The concepts themselves made sense to me and I would recommend this book to anyone who believes they have boundary problems. This book should be called "How to accept who you are, be confident about telling people no, and have confidence in making decisions". This is an excellent book for those looking to understand the reasons behind deep emotional road blocks.
I have read this book twice because it opened so many doors in my mind and lead me towards answers I had been seeking.
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If you're not religious it may sound a little to holy at first but by the end of the book you'll have a much better understanding of god and his teachings. I never saw myself going to church or reading the bible but after reading this book it helped me accept responsibility for my problems and understand how god and his teachings exist for that very reason.
Each individual is responsible for the quality of his or her own life. It teaches that by accepting things which may have happened to you aren't necessarily your fault but are still your responsibility to deal with, get over, and forgive in order to move on a be a whole person is a fundamental part of life. This one of a few books which may really change your life if you're struggling with being happy and being okay with who you are. Customers who bought this item also bought.
Page 1 of 1 Start over Page 1 of 1. The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it. From Publishers Weekly Geared for the reported 3. I'd like to read this book on Kindle Don't have a Kindle? Share your thoughts with other customers. Write a customer review. Read reviews that mention henry cloud worth keeping right person date worth highly recommend get to know dating life changed my life get married great book single person opened my eyes opposite sex get a date dating and marriage reading this book excellent book steps to take bottom line worth reading.
Showing of reviews. Top Reviews Most recent Top Reviews. There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later. I bought this book in but am writing my review in This book changed my life, and helped me find the man of my dreams, to whom I've been ecstatically married for 9 years known him for After going through a painful surprise divorce in , following a 12 year lackluster marriage, I knew my "picking" abilities needed an overhaul, and this book helped me do that once I was ready to get back into the dating pool.
I was in my early 40's at that time - a scary time to have to start over. I used this book thoroughly and daily, reading and re-reading questions and points in it before each time I went out in public and especially before and after a date. One of its revolutionary principles is to slow down and use dating for its true intentions -- to get to know each other and yourself, before being blinded by chemistry or prematurely committed to exclusivity.
It asks you to really notice how you are as a person when you are with someone Am I presenting only my ideal self? Am I not being real? Am I imagining he's someone he's not instead of seeing who is really there? Am I explaining away red flags in my mind? Using this book opened my eyes to the patterns of dating behaviors that had caused me to pick the wrong person the first time around. I realized I had a habit of idealizing people, and letting them idealize me, so in essence each of us was not actually coming into contact with the real "self" of the other person at all!
Using this book, I was able to stay real, notice if others were staying real, and go slowly enough to wait for someone who was mature, healthy, and ready for an equal relationship. I grew myself up and dealt with my insecurities. I got better at seeing early on whether others would be a good fit, and stopped trying to compensate for incompatibilities that were deal-breakers. I accepted each person as they were, instead of thinking about how things would be great if he changed this or that, or I did.
I listened to my real needs, instead of explaining them away or letting them go underground. I began looking for a relationship with true equality. I noticed how I communicated, and how my date did.
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I noticed how we each handled stressful situations and difficult conversations. I learned the art of saying, "It was great meeting you but I don't think we're a good match," something I found difficult to do as a woman, and something I had never said in the past. I learned to trust that the right guy was out there, and I didn't have to be too fearful to hold out for him. As a result of all this, in I married the love of my life, and after 10 years we still can't look at each other's eyes when we disagree, because we'll break out in silly grins and dissolve into mutual "I love you's.
We've jointly raised both our kids, and weathered some pretty stressful situations together, and we're now in our 50's. I have recommended this book to others probably 50 times at least. There are no guarantees in life, but this book contains real gems, practical steps to try, and an insightful roadmap toward healthy self-awareness. Great Biblical references, but not preachy. I read the book and am on board to start dating.
I think it would make for interesting discussions to read the two books side by side. The authors are both psychologists with lots of counseling experience, so the advice they give is grounded in Christian psychology more than in Bible study or personal experience, which makes it different from what you find in some other books that are more pastoral in focus. They frequently back up what they say with Scripture passages and principles that support the concepts, but the many of the concepts themselves transference, co-dependence, parental bonding issues, etc.
This book is not geared toward high school students. A premise of the book is that dating is for adults. People who have not reached a certain level of maturity, who have not clearly identified their goals and values, have not taken ownership of their spiritual life and decisions, who do not know who they are and what they want in life will not likely have healthy relationships, and will wreak havoc on themselves and others.
So, the primary audience of the book is single, independent adults. But the authors acknowledge that age and maturity do not necessarily go hand in hand, and mature teens are perfectly capable of dating responsibly and productively. However young people living at home with their parents are not the primary audience.
Much of the book presumes you have a dating past to analyze or a current serious relationship to work on, but the many of the discussions could still be valuable for teens who are not dating yet, because they present lots of examples of what healthy and unhealthy ways of relating look like.
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There is also good advice about how to start a relationship off well, how to set and maintain healthy personal boundaries, and how to guard against destructive patterns in relationships. Here are some of the things I found particularly worthwhile: There is a lot of discussion of what it means to be honest in a relationship, and lots of scenarios that show what it looks like when someone is not being honest with themselves, or about themselves, what it looks like when someone else is not giving you space to be honest with them, and how much space you should give someone to learn and grow in their ability to be more honest.
There is a good section on what leading someone on looks like and how deceptive and very destructive it is.
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It discusses unhealthy patterns of relating and how to recognize when you are: There is also a list of deal breakers that no one should put up with in a relationship. Interestingly enough, top on the list is deception or lying. Some of the things should be no-brainers addiction, violence, faithlessness , but it also includes refusal to respect boundaries, and what that looks like. There is good information on how recognizing patterns in the kind of people you attract or are attracted to can help you identify areas of immaturity, brokenness, or unresolved hurt in your life that you need to address.
There is a valuable discussion of what to do if you notice a big split between the people you are attracted to romantically and the people you would choose as friends, since this is usually an indication that you need to deal with some hurt or unresolved issue in your own soul. Healthy people develop romantic feelings for people that make good friends too. This book encourages and equips people to work through issues in relationships, and use dating experiences to spur personal character development and movement toward more wholeness and maturity. It gives lots of practical suggestions for how to try to work through a number of common problems before bailing on the relationship.
It presents a multi-faceted rationale for abstinence before marriage without descending into unnecessary scare tactics or preachiness. What it does not do: It presumes you accept the idea that Christians should date Christians. It might be beneficial to spend more time with a teen building a case for why. The discussion of sexual boundaries basically says you need them, but leaves all the working out of the details up to the individual. It assumes you will basically follow the accepted cultural model of picking out someone you are potentially romantically interested in and intentionally spending time alone with them to get to have fun and get to know them better.
This book is not an introduction to the world of dating for people with limited social skills, it presumes you know what you are doing. The attitude toward dating is a bit more cavalier than I am totally comfortable with, especially for a teen or college student. I personally gravitate more toward the idea that you should not get involved romantically with someone until you have a solid friendship and you think you might realistically have a future together even if it is a ways off.
It would have been helpful to have two terms. The book operates from the position that the goal of dating is to get experience that helps you grow and mature and develop interpersonal skills that will prepare you to marry someday, not that the goal of dating is to find someone to marry.
Boundaries in Dating : Dr. Henry Cloud :
For some people this will be an important philosophical difference, but one that would be worth exploring with a teen. In this book, the idea of any parental involvement is absent. Families that gravitate more toward the courtship model may find it hard to incorporate advice based on those assumptions, but it still brings up many things worth discussing and considering. Such parents may discover they are preventing their children from setting healthy boundaries at home, something that may negatively impact their attempts to set healthy boundaries with a future partner.
This is especially disappointing because this is an area where so many people have trouble with enforcing boundaries. I guess I was more looking for "Boundaries in intimate relationships" instead. I'm not religious, but in the other "Boundaries" books it was much easier to go along with the Christianity stuff. There are often important lessons that are exemplified in the Bible, which I can appreciate. However, this book focuses way too much on the "when to have sex" boundary, so basically after you're married fine for others, but not how I live my life.
The whole time I was reading this book I was thinking Like stealing passwords and spying on you without your knowledge? Disrespecting you in front of others? Trying to stir up drama with your friends and family? Literally anything boundary-defying that happens after you find yourself in a relationship with someone? This book was recommended to me by a woman in my bible study following a breakup with a guy I believed to be a strong Christian and who had my heart in his hands for good reason. I found out the hard way, he was neither.